The Astromaid Chronicles

Slow Travel, Creative Living, and Speculation

Weather Whining and Other Truffles, Part Two: The Cold

I frequently find evidence that I create my own reality without realizing it, and then become very confused when my expectations of this false reality don’t match the actual scientific facts of common reality.

The most recent example of this is when I heard the term “South America” a couple of years ago. An equation became apparent to me.

f(x) = South of the Equator + south * More South Than Ohio (near Brazil) / America of the South = WARM.

RIGHT?!

Wrong. I got to Puerto Varas in late October of 2012, (“Oh, THIS MUST BE LIKE THEIR SPRING”) and found myself shivering in my winter jacket throughout all of their spring and eventual (and very shortlived) summer.

Damnit.

And then came the move to Valparaiso, in March of 2013. “HEY,” I said to anyone who cared, “I’M GONNA BE SO MUCH HAPPIER UP THERE BECAUSE I WON’T HAVE TO WEAR A WINTER JACKET IN HIGH SUMMER AND CAN PROBABLY WEAR SHORTS AND HAVE AN OHIO SUMMER SORT OF.”

Wrong.

Valparaiso is ‘perpetually cool’. There are no extremes — though I’d be willing to go out on a limb and say that the carnivorous fog is extreme, and the cold humid rains are extreme because like, shouldn’t there be snow, and there’s not.

At the risk of sounding like a whiny weather baby (which I am), I have to confess, I am extremely ready for some freaking warmth. I’m talking, palm trees, white sands, shorts weather, warm breezes, people frolicking in the sun and rolling around in the grass.

You know, all the things I thought I’d find when I moved down here.

This oversight (or undersight?) is completely my fault. Prior to moving to Puerto Varas, which is technically, like, you know, PATAGONIA, I compared its latitude to Ohio’s on a map, did a quick and incorrect weather analysis, and actually concluded, ‘Hey, this will be really similar to Ohio summers.’

Ohio is in the northern equivalent of Chile’s latitude box thing…
So…based on prime meridians and cartography, we can conclude
Chile and Ohio have the same climate.

Where the HELL did I get that idea? It’s Patagonia, it’s not the Great Lakes. There is a different set of climactic elements operating here, which create entirely different earth phenomenons. Like the Andes mountain range, restless tectonic plates, and the Pacific Ocean, to name a few.

Again, totally a victim of my own belief-creation.

And prior to the move to Valparaiso, I assumed, ‘Hey, it’s more north than Puerto Varas, which we know is cold now, so Valparaiso will be a lot like Ohio summers finally.’

Totally and unforgivably wrong.

Like a trip to the therapist, it’s becoming very clear to me as I write this post what the main theme is. I’m pretty sure I just want to live in perpetual Ohio Summer. As does everyone else from Ohio, except those weirdos who like 10 months of cold and end up moving to Wisconsin, or Patagonia.

Chile is not the place for my warmth mission. While I have come to deeply appreciate the climates, topographies, and natural wonders of this country, I am extremely ready for a bit of weather that more closely approximates that which I was seeking in the first place.

On the plus side, come June time I’ll be back in Ohio, where I fully expect to find a little bit of Ohio Summer.

This blog may or may not completely turn into my quest to approximate Ohio summers in any place that is not Ohio. Stay tuned.

5 Comments

  1. I too am on the constant look out for Ohio summer. Florida was close but it wasn't “green”. I think that is the hardest part for me now, trying to find warm/hot AND green. FL gets a lot of rain but because it is SO hot the plants get bleached out or it's winter and there is no rain and everything dies. Brown. So now I am just looking for Ohio summer that starts earlier and lasts a bit longer and doesn't have the HUGE amounts of snow like Ohio winter. Looking at KY or TN but we'll see. Would love to move to the South West but if I had a problem with warm brown FL I don't think I would like Hot brown NM or AZ 🙂 BTW, can't wait to see you this Ohio summer!!

  2. I won't be surprised if we end up living in the same area someday, then….we must share notes on this Non-Ohio Summer Location Quest! So far, I've loved TN weather. My mom lives the Nashville area. I've always entertained the idea of starting a little farm there someday. We'll see! Also, I can't wait to see you guys this summer! I'll let you know when we are in Sandusky 🙂

  3. Well at least Chile didn't experience the “Polar Vortex”!

  4. Truth! Chile did, however, experience the “completely underwhelming and mostly chilly summer” vortex, which one can argue is equally as frightening when expectations are for humidity and heat.

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