I had the ridiculous idea earlier that something didn’t already exist on the internet.

It occurred to me, in a fit of genius, that mail-order spouses could somehow be used to gauge the state of gender equality. The type of thought that only comes during extended periods in the bathroom (which is exactly where this thought occurred, for the record). Mail-order anything is usually suspect –even if it’s a harmless packet of Chia seeds, but especially anything late-night and/or related to infomercials and their surplus of FREE EXTRA’s. Mail-order brides, however, have a particular reputation for being very real, and somewhat widely used. Don’t we all have that cousin who’s acquaintance once ordered a bride from Russia? …No? Is that just my family?

Anyway, I thought I’d check out what was out there for mail-order husbands. I mean, if we can pick up a nice bride from the former Soviet Union, I better be able to find me a Lebanese Hunk, or a goddamn Egyptian Pharaoh or some shit. RIGHT?! I found the website MailOrderHusbands.Net, which claims to be the “market leader in spousal fulfillment”. And here’s what I found:


Make me bigger and look at me closely. It’s worth it, I swear.

Of the 4 “bachelors” listed in my sample above, only one is foreign. That’s a dismal percentage rate if I’m trying to find my foreign soul mate. Furthermore, there IS a Lebanese man, but he’s no hunk, and his profile snippet is so typically MALE I wouldn’t buy his hand in marriage no matter how good the discount code was.

….This can’t be real, right?! I mean, mail-order brides ARE real.  But these guys? These guys CANNOT be real.

But here’s where the gender inequality comes into play: googling mail-order husbands yields a paltry selection of TWO vaguely-legit websites (MailOrderHusbands and ALovingHusband), whispered speak of an Irishman Mail-Order Husband service, hilarious spin-offs, and plenty of links to forums with women decrying the lack of availability of mail-order husbands (Pssh, you and me both, sister).

However, in an effort to treat this ridiculous topic with a modicum of fair-and-balanced-ness, I googled mail-order BRIDES. Not only were the links to bride-ordering sites plentiful (again, mostly Russian), there was a link to a review of the TOP TEN Mail-Order Bride websites…for 2014. Already. 

Bottom line is: if you want a mail-order spouse, you’ve got a much better chance of procuring one if you’re male. Typical gender inequality strikes again. But, ladies, listen up — if your name is Julie, your husband is waiting for you at MailOrderHusbands.net.

Internet, you’ve done it again. You have bamboozled me with your things.